Artichokes for the Terrified: Boiling

[azurelunatic]

This is the artichoke. It is equally useful as a weapon and a food.

Materials:
1 large pot, with or without a lid, for holding boiling water and hapless artichokes.
Tough sharp knife for cutting tough sharp leaves.
Cutting board, for cutting tough sharp leaves with a tough sharp knife.
Kitchen scissors, for forcibly de-spining the sucker.
Fork, for stabbing it to see when it's done.
Tongs or a colander, to separate the artichoke and the boiling water.
Spoon, to scoop spiky bits from heart.
Plate or bowl, to set artichoke on while eating.
Small bowl for butter.
Plate, bowl, or trash receptacle, for the gnawed-on leaves.

Ingredients:
One or more artichokes.
Water.
(optional) Butter.
(optional) Salt.
(optional) Lemon juice or vinegar.


The artichoke is a horrible, spiky, dangerous, vegetable in the thistle family. It has spines, and it's not afraid to use them. It can also be used as a spiked club, if you're stuck in a grocery store fending off zombies. It's also utterly delicious, good with or without scary amounts of tasty, tasty butter. They're incredibly intimidating if you don't know what to do with them, but once you do know, they're just a bit fussy.

Pick your artichoke. Don't pet it, though if you must, pet in the direction the leaves lie, not against it -- these suckers have spines. You want an artichoke that has relatively little damage, and a nice long stem. (Cosmetic damage to the upper parts of the leaves is not that much of a problem, though. It's the lower parts of the leaves, the heart, and the stem, that you eat.)

Once you get your artichoke home, make sure it is securely guarded and unlikely to attack you without warning, and put a pot of water on to boil. It should be a large pot, with enough water to cover any and all of the artichokes you'll be cooking in it once you toss them in there. The water level should also not be more than maybe 3/4 of the way up the side of the pot, because an unwatched pot likes to boil over. Dump some salt (less than a teaspoon) in the water, if you want. A lidded pot boils faster and makes your kitchen less steamy.

Lie in wait for your artichoke with the kitchen scissors close to hand. Before it can spike you, strip off any little leaves on the stem, and any of the lowest leaves that look like they might be kind of gross. The outer ring of leaves may be a bit bitter; if you aren't sure, leave them on; you can always toss them after they're cooked.

Whip out your scissors and start snipping off the spiny tips of any available leaves. I start at the bottom and spiral my way up. Neatness does not really matter unless you're looking to impress someone. You can cook these without trimming the tips, but they're less hostile to eat if they're pre-trimmed.

Once I reach the top, there is a tight cluster of leaves that are all spiny, but hard to separate to snip. I then place the sucker on the cutting board and chop off the top. (If you compost, chuck the spines and end of the stem in the compost bin, or else the trash. Don't try and chew them up with your poor garbage disposal. Don't let the friendly neighborhood black labrador retriever get spines in his mouth, either.)

Trim the bottom of the stem, which is probably gnarly and browned. You can also peel the outer layer of tough skin from the stem. If you're preparing several artichokes, you can rub the cut places with lemon or vinegar, to reduce the amount of browning while you attack the first artichoke's compatriots, and reduce the amount of browning while they cook.

The water may already be boiling by the time you're done. Toss in the artichokes and let them cook until they are tender when stabbed with a fork. You can cook with or without a lid.

Pro-lid arguments: less steam in your kitchen, less water required, faster cooking, less wasted energy.
Anti-lid arguments: lets some of the artichoke's acids be dispersed throughout your kitchen/stove vent, instead of precipitated back down into the boiling water.

Fully cooking them can take 20 to 40 minutes or so. If in doubt, pull one out and try to pull off a leaf. It should come off easily, and the very base of the leaf should be tender enough to be easily stripped from the leaf with your teeth. (Part of the leaf will be woody and gross. Don't try to eat the whole thing.) The water may turn alarmingly green. This is normal.

Once the artichoke is tender enough to actually eat, remove it from the water (or remove the water from it).

You can slice it in half and remove any remaining spikes from the heart before serving (with a spoon), or allow whoever's eating it to fend for themselves with spike-removal. (Give them a spoon; it helps.)

Melt butter and serve in little bowls to dip the leaves in, or provide another dipping sauce, or a choice of dipping sauces. I favor butter, myself. Individual bowls lets you double-dip.

Tear off leaves, dip in sauce, and scrape the tasty, tender bits off the leaves with your teeth, and discard the tough bits in whatever vessel you have earmarked for the leavings.

There are a number of inner fine leaves, and immature spikes that would have one day been the petals of the artichoke flower. Remove these with a spoon.

Eat the heart, with or without butter. Eat the soft inside of the stem, with or without butter.

Yum!

Comments

[azurelunatic]

I've never had lobster, let alone really good lobster, but they definitely have a savory, sort of meaty, sunflower-seed-y taste.

And then after you eat them, everything tastes sweet for a while.